Ten Rules

This is a really fundamental concept. So important that I’ll keep it really short.

We are all motivated either by the desire to get to where we want to be OR by the desire to avoid what we fear.

Now listen up to the important part:

THESE ARE RARELY TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN.

A successful and compulsively creative entrepreneur told me that he got up very early in the morning and worked very hard “not from a desire to get rich, but from a desire not to be poor”. I don’t buy that. He may not have had a desire to get very rich. But if he only had the desire to move away from being poor, he’d have got himself a law degree. His desire to create was greater than his desire to not be poor. He was motivated by moving towards what he wanted, not by moving away from what he feared.

How much of what you have on your agenda today is motivated by avoiding what you are afraid of (the risk of: unpopularity, criticism, failure, conflict,  a “career limiting move”, your spouse grumbling at you) and how much of what you have on your agenda today is motivated by getting to where you want to get to – despite the scary but manageable things that may lie in the way? 

It can take years of practice for most people to develop the self-awareness to differentiate between these two key motivators. Don’t rush it. But don’t stop working on it.

Jim.

Click on the image to view the Rule 3 video

You create: at work, at home, at play. You create something in every meeting you attend, every phone call and every interaction with the children. You create in every piece of work, every email, every holiday decision, every problem solved.

You create and you invest and commit something of yourself in the creating. You have creative skills that you have practiced for years to perfect – and perhaps others that are new and you are still nervous to really let rip with.

What are you about to create today? Who will you co-create with? What will the unforeseen random outcomes be?

And whatever happens today – don’t let the Tiger stop you creating what you want to create with pride and excellence.

Let rip!

Jim

If you are a regular subscriber, you’ll know that I am giving a piece of the Taming Tigers jigsaw that cannot be explained during a presentation over four blogs. If you are new to the blog, you can find the previous installments here 

 The Ten Rules for Taming Tigers are divided into four groups.

·         The Integrity Rules (Rules 1-3)

·         The Leadership Rules (Rules 4-6)

·         The Change Rules (Rules 7-9)

·         The Esteem Rule (Rule 10)

Today it is the turn of the Change Rules to come under the spotlight.

The Change Rules

Rules 7-9 are the Change Rules.   It is through these Rules that we begin to form new habits and make consistent and lasting the changes that Rules 1-6 began. Rule 7 – Do something scary every day -challenges us to create Tigers to confront on a daily basis, notice the emotional and mental reactions, grow in self awareness and mindfulness of this reaction and develop our ability to defeat the internal barrier – the Tiger.

Rule 8 – Understand and control your time to create change – invites us to form a new relationship with the most precious commodity – our time. The activities we choose to fill our time with are how we devote our energy – our life on earth. It is the notebook in which we are writing our story. When our need for approval or our neediness, our dependence on the chase for irrelevant prizes, our unwillingness to speak our truth (we often call this being “nice”) means that our time is “no longer our own we are deluding ourselves”. It is our own. We are making choices. The Tiger is roaring. We are not free. Our ego is in control.

Rule 9 – Create disciplines and do the basics brilliantly –  invites us explicitly to create new habits. New disciplines and basic standards of behaviour that will assist us to be the person that we know we are or that we wish to grow to become. They are also vital to the achievement of goals and prizes, of course. Vital to surviving and growing on our Quest. They are easy to write down. They require the previous eight Rules to actually practice daily. And they pay great dividends in terms of growth and self esteem and other more tangible rewards.

 Through these three Rules, we begin to consolidate the changes – to grow.

Please feel free to post comments, thoughts and experiences.

Jim.

Click on the image to view the Rule 7 video.

Click on the image to view the Rule 8 video

Click on the image to view the Rule 9 video

As the scene is set in Simon and Garfunkel’s 1964 classic, all is beautiful and there is love and companionship. As the song progresses, we are taken inside to see the darkness, fear and regret.

We may not have robbed a hard liquor store, but if we are on the Tiger Taming path, growing and testing ourselves, following our hearts and our dreams, Wednesday morning at 3am will come. The terrors of self doubt in the middle of the night.

You are in good company. No human adventurer by-passed this test. You might find that thought of comfort. You might remind yourself of why you embarked on the journey, why it was worth the struggle. You might have told a close friend that this may come and asked if you can ring them at this very moment for company. You might have somebody sleeping beside you who loves you. Wake them gently and ask them to be with you.

And when you find yourself asking “Who am I to do this thing?”, whatever it may be, turn the question to “Who am I not to do this thing, who am I if I do not”.

Dawn always breaks.

Jim.

A flight last week was looking good as I buckled up at Heathrow. A window seat with extra legroom (not exactly essential for me – but a nice bonus nonetheless), the middle seat free, a new book to start and a daylight, cloud free view of the Alps in around an hour’s time.

Then he arrived. He bent himself in half to avoid the overhead lockers and when he dropped clumsily into his seat, the aisle passenger and I both left our cushions for a moment. As he struggled to attach the buckle of his seatbelt, his elbow hit me first in the eye and then in the chest. He seemed completely unaware of the contact until I said “careful!” and he smiled and apologised.

I settled into the book and ordered a sparkling water from the trolley. Ice, lemon and fizzing water arrived in my lap two short minutes later. A chest scratch had been required by my neighbour. The elbow was on the move again. For a flashing moment I was shocked and angry.

My friend looked horrified and apologised again. I replied that it was my fault. And I wasn’t being “English”. I meant it. The unfair anger had already gone. He had given me plenty of information about who he was, physically, and how hard it was for him to fit into the space allocated to him. I had ignored the messages and left the water on “his” side of my tray. My fault.

We cannot control others or expect them to change to suit us or our “Rulebook”. Or even to suit the carefully guarded border of the elbow rest on a plane.

An iced crotch was a small price for a good reminder of this – and of the fact that I should leave extra legroom seats for those who really need them in future!

Jim.

 You have both assets and liabilities, remember, not just liabilities.

How much attention have you given to your assets recently? Mental attention. Attention in your heart and spirit? How grateful are you for your assets?

The Tiger will ask you to remember your liabilities. Your weaknesses. It will demand this of you aggressively. You may have grown up with this harsh criticism. You may now be very used to your own harsh internal criticism, even pride yourself on it. It keeps you striving! You may well be proud of being a “perfectionist”.

Maybe you wouldn’t need to strive so hard without it? Maybe your energy and peace would bring you greater support and encouragement from others? Maybe you can’t be perfect and “they” all know it already (being human also)?

Forget the liabilities today. Remember your assets, your strengths, your victories, your kindnesses, your gentleness, that others love you and wish you well.

Relax.

Jim.

Here is the first of our guest blogs from the new MD of Taming Tigers – Blaire Palmer…

As the new Managing Director of Taming Tigers the 10 Rules are very much at the forefront of my mind. My internal screensaver, the thought that floats aimlessly around my brain when I switch off from more demanding tasks, is “Do I live by the Ten Rules for Taming Tigers myself?”. Every time I pose the question my brain takes the same journey through the debate.

I start with the answer – “Yes, I do. I am constantly challenging myself and my beliefs so I am re-writing my Rulebook all the time. I am a girl of action so I certainly act boldly. And I am like a dog with a bone. I never, never give up”.

Then I revise my opinion – “Well, I don’t always live by the Ten Rules but I’m only human. The important thing is that I usually act boldly and head in the direction of where I want to arrive and that I don’t normally seek safety in numbers”.

And then I say to myself – “The important thing is that I am happy with my life and my Tigers rarely get in the way of me having a fulfilling and successful existence”.

And all of this was idle musing while I went about my life until last week when I got the most horrible flu. Not “THE FLU” I assure you but just a nasty cough and headache which I won’t go in to because we’ve all had it and other people’s illnesses don’t make for scintillating reading.

So I was struck down by this flu thing but I refused to go without a fight. I was determined to plough on, showing that it takes more than the flu to stop me! Rule 10 – I never give up! Rule 4 – This flu is all in the mind!

And then I realised that there is one Rule I struggle with more than any other. Rule 5 – The tools for Taming Tigers are all around you.

And for those of us who pride ourselves in our ability to get stuff done, who are tough on ourselves (which is one of the reasons we challenge ourselves regularly and act boldly) and who take control of events which lie inside our circle of influence, Rule 5 is the biggy. It requires us to reach out to those around us and ask for help. The other 9 Rules lie within us – they require us being self-motivated, self-aware, self-actualised. But Rule 5 requires us to open up to others, to say that we can’t do it alone and to get them onboard as our support team.

Of course, as soon as I admitted I needed a hand, there was no shortage of offers. It turns out people had been watching me with slight amusement, wondering if I was going to ask for help or just carry on until I dropped. As soon as I whimpered “Could you do this for me?” the people in my life stepped up, delighted to have been asked.

As we enter the holiday season with its message of giving and receiving, remember Rule 5. Being successful in work and in life isn’t about doing it all yourself. One of the greatest gifts you can give is giving permission to others to help you. And chances are they’ve been waiting for that gift for a while!  Blaire